Eyes

Everyone saw my swollen eyes.
Everyone asked about it.
Everyone except you....

You are not blind.
You are not mute.
You of all people...

Crying

I'm tired from these few hours of crying. I tried to hold it back, but I really couldn't do it. Guess everyone knew I was crying, except you. Mama n Papa went to the extend of pretending to be hungry so that Mama could cook something for me as well, yet I returned her kindness harshly all beacuse I'm angry with you. Even she is concern about me, concern that I had not have dinner. Where were you? What were you doing? I waited. 5pm... 6pm... 7pm... 8pm... 9pm... 10pm... 11pm... All I got in return was that you were tired and want to go straight home. Am I wrong to be so insistent to wait for you, to have a dinner with me? Am I really wrong here?

我到底怎么了?

今天下午见到你时﹐ 我竟然感觉到心跳加速。
我不想给你错觉﹐ 但我不知道为什么会这样。
我好乱。 是我﹐还是你?
请你不要再这样看着我了﹐好吗?

一九九九年， 五月， 八日

见面的最后一天
我看着你与朋友走入人群中
你的背影逐渐地远去
你一句话也没说
你给了我一个美丽的开始
却不让它有任何结局
我无法明白你的心意
你究竟是一个带给我美丽梦想的天使
还是来惩罚我的恶魔
这一切将不会有答案
因为不知要等到何时
我们才能再想见。。。


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


看着你开心的离去
我觉得你好自私
我压抑着内心的争扎
我告诉自己我不能哭
本以为我已没事了
但一个人静下来时
才发现自己真的不行
结果我还是哭了
痛痛快快地哭了一场。。。。。


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


我是多么想忘了你
但是我知道我办不到
我只希望上天不要再这样折磨我了
我已经很累了
就快支持不住了
但愿我都能有心中所有疑问的答案。

Decision

Life is so fucked up.

Last Oct, I tendered my resignation. I was so tired with so many things. I was so stressed up with my work and study. I simply need a break. I didn't look for another job. I just wanted to rest at home, spend my time doing nothing. I made this decision after some long consideration. I even informed my mum of the plan, so that she wouldn't nag at me too much, and also to prepare her for the lost of income.

I informed HR, whom informed my Boss. They tried to persuade me day after day, but I was firm. After some talk here and there, I was given one choice, that is to continue working. They gave some fucking reasons, and me, being the soft hearted idiot actually gave in and stayed. They also promised me something, which I had been waiting for since I worked there, till now.

More than half a year has passed. The 'Promise' wasn't fulfilled. I'm sick and tired. Thoughts of leaving flashed in my head again. My friend's company has an opening for Technical Specialist doing testing. Something different from what I'm doing now. The job and company sounds good. But the bad point was the distant and salary. I thought once. I thought twice. Again and again. Yes, I'm determined to leave this place, or so I thought.

Today, HR informed me that the 'Promise' is coming, in fact it is being worked on now. The 'Promise', something I had been waiting for a long time. Being the true Gemini, I'm facing 'internal conflict'. Should I take up the challenge and leave for uncertain future? Or should I stay at this sucking environment and spend my life there safely?

I'm fucking indecisive. I'm fucking coward. Someone please give me a tight slap and send me to coma, so that I can officially sleep and sleep...

Beaches

Had the chance to pass by Changi Beach yesterday afternoon. It was a cloudy day, a nice weather to be at the beach. (for a person like me who dislike the glaring sun)

Ever had a special affection to something, yet couldn't explain what was it? The first time I felt this way was at the then World Trade Center. I had nothing to do so I took 855 from one interchange (Yishun) to another interchange (World Trade) alone. Yeah. That was after my 'O' levels. I was walking around the shops when I looked out of the clear window. The blue sea water, the sun shinning brightly on it, making it glitter. I felt clam, relaxed. I was mesmerized. I stood there for a long long time.

Yesterday, I felt again, the clam blue sea. I had almost forgotten this feeling. Forgotten how much I love sea, even though I can't swim. The clear blue sky, the sound of the waves, the occasional wind, the plane landing every now and then. It's therapeutic. It's smoothing. It's relaxing. It's free. A simple pleasure, which we busy city men had almost forgot.

I should drive by in the afternoon and just sit around. Maybe. A break is coming soon. Will i be alone again?

Heartless Department

Remember the Every-Time-Also-Urgent-Bitch whom I mentioned in my earlier post? She submitted her resignation last week. Although I was frustrated with her over work, the news came as a surprise more than joy to me. Even her closest friend in the company didn't know about her resignation.

Her boss didn't even try to keep her back. As if that wasn't bad enough, they sent her off earlier than everyone's expectation, including her.

She was back in the office today, after 2 days of MC. Another boss, together with the HR personnel, brought her out to the guard house early in the morning and sent her off. They didn't let her serve the one month notice. They didn't let her bid us goodbyes. They didn't let her finish off whatever stuff she's holding on, or have a proper hand over. They were dying to get her out of here. Out of my company, out of my department.

Is this still consider as a resignation, or termination? Why are they so heartless?

She has been working here for years. What about the contribution all these years? Yes, she had not been performing up to standard, but there is no need for this. I heard rumours, gossips, lots of ugly stuffs. Perhaps that contributed to this decision from her boss.

No wonder her boss was on leave today. Afraid to face all of us.

This event sparkled off lots of rumours and gossips. We knew that the whole company would know about this eventually. Our company is big, but news travel real fast.

Some said the bosses might use this as an example to show their power. To pressure us more. To make us insane faster.

Our workload is increasing everyday. We are expected to do more in lesser time. They expect us to do it immediately. They do not care whether we can manage or not.

My 'neighbour' kept telling me to go. To find a better work place while I'm still young.

The more I stay in this department, the more I detest it. I'm dying to leave, yet not bold enough to take the move. I'm just a fucking coward stuck in a heartless department. I hate my boss.

Bless Me for Tomorrow

Gosh, my stress level has reach an all-time high. My Boss will be coming back to work tomorrow, after her long holidays. Holy shit! I have not finish whatever assignment she had for me, and what I had set for myself.

There's always lots of fucking shit happening when she goes on a holiday. Why am I always the unlucky one? I end up clearing the mess, rushing here and there, delaying my actual work, piling up my backlogs. She's gonna question me on all the issues, and I'm just going to "oh...", "huh?", "er..." & "okok". What else can I say???

Oh damn, guess I better stop blogging now and check up on my office email. Tata... Pray hard for me.